Disclaimer – No offence is intended with this post about the arrival of US President Donald Trump in the UK yesterday – it contains very bad language and pokes fun at the Brits, the Yanks, the Queen, Churchill, Hitler and the man who chased someone’s hat along the runway after DT landed. If you are easily offended, go find a food blog – they are usually pretty safe and I don’t want to fall out with you.

I know nothing of politics and have no idea if Donald Trump is the new Messiah or the Devil incarnate.

I only know the press makes shit up and so, the only thing I know for sure about anything is that I know nothing, apart from what the media tells us and of course, what Donald Trump Tweets.

Well, he was hardly off the plane at Stanstead Airport yesterday and Donald Trump was moaning at Foreign Secretary Jeremy Kunt – I do beg your pardon – the K and the H are only one key apart and – well, clumsy old me! Thankfully the C is on the line below.

Anyway, as I was saying, Donald Trump was barely down the steps of Air Farce One when he started bending Jeremy Hunt’s ear about being bullied by the Mayor of London, Sadiq Kahn.

Gosh what terribe things he is saying! Or to put it another way, gosh, what terrible things is he saying?

It’s made me realise that online bullying has got really serious now and it needs to stop before someone pushes the red button in a fit of temper gets hurt.

It isn’t clear how Jeremy Hunt replied but there have been rumours he advised Donald Trump to stay away from Sadiq in the playground or tell a teacher if it happens again.

Thankfully, Donald seemed unpeturbed by the perfectly reasonable points made by rantings of Mr Kahn and came back at him with a volley of abuse just as the plane was landing.

Oh come on Donald! Half his height? That was a low blow (no pun intended – honestly).

Chin up Sadiq. Sticks and stones and all that. Not sure what this will do for the war against online bullying for children when such a powerful man can call the Mayor of London a short ass on Twitter and still get invited for dinner at Buck Palace the same night.

Not sure what this will do for the war on online bullying for children when such a powerful man can call the Mayor of London a short ass on Twitter and still get invited for dinner at Buck Palace the same night. Click To Tweet

The irony of it is, I bumped into Wills when I passed by his end of the table on the way to the loo at the State Banquet last night and I said “Oi, William! Wotcha think about Donald’s Tweet calling Mr Kahn a short ass then?”

Because as we all know, William and all the young royals have been very vocal about cyber bullying lately.

As I was wrestled out in handcuffs by palace guards, I yelled “I was just sayin’!”

Those Tweets of Donald Trump got me thinking – what if we’d had Twitter in WWll?

As I sat outside the palace gates, feeling like a peasant and rubbing my wrists were the handcuffs had dug in – I wondered what kind of Tweets Churchhill would have put on Twitter aimed at Hitler back in the day.

Can you imagine? World leaders back then, carrying on like they do today? Well I can and it goes like this:

I’m not sure that Churchill would have used the word ‘ass’ though.

Probably would have said, “I look forward to licking your bottom”, as is the way of the British upper classes, especially those who went to boarding school.

I'm not sure that Churchill would have used the word 'ass' though. Probably would have said, "I look forward to licking your bottom", as is the way of the British upper classes, especially those who went to boarding school. Click To Tweet

So I’m left wondering what the Queen thought of it all.

But she was in a difficult position really. I mean, all those cars of his, parked in her back yard!

After a servant said, “oh, I think Donald is here Ma’am’, she went to the window (I’m told by by contact at the palace) and watched for his car.

Her Majesty, I am reliably informed, after watching 12 cars drive up the front garden with no end in sight, said “FFS! Who the hell are all these people and did we get enough Tea bags in?

“And which car is he in anyway?”

“He’s in the helicopter now landing on the Begonias out the back Ma’am”, was the reply.

The Queen, allegedly expressed her surprise at this by uttering:

“A helicopter? A fucking HELICOPTER with all these fucking cars? What is this world coming to Camilla?”

A very good question Liz.

And of course there are about a gazillion Secret Service people swarming around the palace.

But my hero in all this so far is the man who has probably done years and years of training to be able to do what any bodyguard hopes they will never have to do – and that is chase someone’s hat down the runway just as the president is stepping off the plane and the whole world is watching. (See clip that starts at 0:57 seconds).

There are rumours that the runaway hat-catcher has been signed to play for Spurs in goal next season in the hopes that maybe next year they can actually win the European Champion’s League.

This has been my look at Donald Trump at the start of his visit to the UK – what is your take on DT and his travelling circus?

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